


He Who Thought He Knew Infinity

by starry_open_curio



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Celestial Castiel (Supernatural), Falling In Love, Gen, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e20 Carry On
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:35:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27666893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starry_open_curio/pseuds/starry_open_curio
Summary: Cas finds Dean in heaven and learns that there's more.What does it mean to fall, to break? What have Jack and Cas been up to? Set after 15x20.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 76





	He Who Thought He Knew Infinity

The beings known as Castiel and Jack spiral through nebulas, traverse eddies of time, and witness innumerable lives budding, blooming, and wilting, as if listening to a symphony of colors, images, intentions, voices, and actions playing out across multiple dimensions. They feel the cosmos shift and flow in a rich, ever-changing tapestry of becoming, and they themselves abide in these energies like invisible currents moving through a vast ocean. 

Past, present, and future solidify around them, becoming relevant once more as they pour into limited human-like forms; Castiel feels it instantly, vibrantly, minutely as he becomes a different kind of Castiel with smaller, particular emotions, interests, and relationships, which are in their specificity no less wondrous than the all-expansive aspects of being that approach infinity. He can feel Dean calling to him, a kind of silent prayer. He knows that Sam is here too. 

Castiel’s lips pull into a hint of smile, he lets his fingers and toes flex and uncurl as the wind moves across his skin. He hunches slightly into his familiar trench coat and looks up into the bluer than blue skies of heaven. Jack, beside him, tilts his head, feeling something odd somewhere in the universe, “Huh, I’m going to check that out,” he says. Castiel inclines his head in acceptance, knowing that he'll come find him if needed, and Jack blinks out with a trusting smile, his hand held up in farewell. A divine light lingers after him for a fraction of an instant, barely perceptible to human eyes, but plenty obvious to an angel, brilliant and radiating warmth and goodness like a sun. 

Castiel turns now and walks towards the Winchesters. He walks rather than flies because he can, because he enjoys the rhythm of moving slowly on the face of (this facsimile of) earth, his feet pressing and lifting from the ground, and because there’s no rush, only an eternal now. He should know, because he and Jack redesigned this realm. One of the first things they did after Jack pulled him from the null space of the Empty was to remake heaven, reshaping it in readiness for the Winchesters. Then they left to put other things in order, reweaving what angry-child-God Chuck unmade or broke in his petulant fits, beginning to reshape the fabric and threads of uncountable numbers of worlds and multiverses. This is work that only new-Jack, Jack-as-God, can do, and Castiel feels exceedingly like a proud father. 

Jack, though immensely powerful and striving for benevolence, is after all about three years old though he manifests in the form of a young adult, and occasionally turns to him for reassurance or perspective. Castiel has more experience with living, both as an ancient being and a human one; he understands what it is to make mistakes, that difficult choices are sometimes necessary, and that still one must simply try. In this case, they’ve determined that Jack’s focus must remain broad: he cannot fix the specific problems of each being, there are too many complications (pull one string and the entire sweater unravels, or worse, tangles excessively) and free will should be maintained, so they’ve implemented changes strategically and carefully across the board while remaining removed from individual beings. 

In heaven, everyone is always in the present. It’s easier for them to be their best selves this way, to act according to their most loving and good aspects. It’s like retirement with an extra mental health booster built in, minus worries about shelter, food, enemies, aging, sickness, or death. They are lucid and can make their own decisions, but unlikely to be troubled in this setting as a result. They’re also free to locate loved ones who’ve also passed away, and what they most want tends to manifest, within reason. Castiel isn’t sure what would happen if the community of heaven misbehaved, or split into factions, or willed something destructive or contradictory into being. He and Jack would have to make some adjustments; actually, he's pretty sure that they will need to at some point. It’s an experiment of sorts, to let the residents interact with each other and to continue to make choices, instead of keeping them separated and cycling through reruns of their happiest memories. 

After some time, or no time at all, he finds Dean on a bridge, looking out over a flowing river and lush greenery, with Baby parked in the dead center of the bridge. Dean knows he’s there before he turns, and when he does, “Hey Cas,” is the first meaningful thing Dean says to him, before pulling him into a crushing hug. “You’re different,” is the second, and “I still want to help people,” is the third. They’re in several places at once, which is also interesting. Often they’re with Sam, other times at the tavern with all of Dean’s friends and allies, and also by themselves on the bridge. Cas lets his body relax, his gaze soften. He lets Dean be his focus. He and Dean have always had this way about them, honing in on each other like they’re the only people in the room. “Hello Dean,” he says, “You are too,” and nothing yet to the third. Dean is still beautiful as ever, and he’s more open and relaxed than Cas has ever beheld him. He likes it. 

Cas remembers their last interaction on earth, when he confessed his love and sacrificed himself to save Dean. In that pivotal moment, he also transcended his longing for something more from Dean, and gave himself to simply loving fully and expressing that love as its own happiness. Then he slept, and was awoken by Jack with all his senses opened to higher levels of knowing. He continues to act as a mentor to Jack, but more truly he sees himself as a servant whose allegiance is simply to universal goodness. His particular love for Dean feels alive and true, but no longer painful or limiting. Cas meant what he said, that through loving Dean, he learned to love all of humanity, and all beings. Maybe there was something broken in Cas that allowed him to feel, question, and rebel, and it broke further open still because of his love for and attachment to Dean, until a much larger orientation and meaning for his existence emerged from the rubble. 

He wonders whether his longing after Dean was such an essential part of who he was as a falling and fallen angel that he’s no longer quite the same without it, or if Dean just sees that he’s confident in his purpose and at peace now. He gazes into Dean’s eyes, which are clear and unafraid, like he’s released all his fears and trauma, all the baggage that shaped his personality, habits, and coping mechanisms in warped and mean ways. This Dean is lighter, happier, and free in a way that Dean on earth only had an unrealized potential for. He grins and the entire scene seems to light up too, even though Dean doesn’t have any grace or God-powers. “I’m not afraid anymore,” he says as he leans forward, as if in slow motion, and kisses Cas. 

Cas, who thought he was past breaking, had already broken free, finds himself shattering, opening wider still. He’s absorbed in the sensations and responding to the kiss, and he’s one with Dean and the wind, and the entire universe in all its glory. He thought he had already tasted infinity, but it turns out that there’s still more, still deeper and wilder mysteries, so he lets go and falls again, breaks open even more.

**Author's Note:**

> I've been trying to figure out how a non-static heaven with free will could work. Does free will mean the ability to be unhappy? Is it slightly manipulative otherwise? Is it a shallow kind of happy that everyone's experiencing? Would you be okay with living in a faux-reality like this? What about deep-seated issues, do those just disappear from overall good but flawed human beings? 
> 
> I also wonder whether it would be healthy for Cas and Dean to be together at this juncture: I find it slightly ambiguous, but that's what makes it interesting!


End file.
